Sometimes the perfect job just EMAILS you.

From: Michael Welsh <paypof@aol.com>
Date: Fri, Mar 16, 2012 at 3:14 PM
Subject: Re: Personal Assistant Needed‏ ( Contact me on 916-222-4213 )
To: ethibeaux@gmail.com

I'm got your email through the Monster.com employment database. Oh really? I did not realize I HAD a monster.com account. Good to know. I am looking for someone who can handle my personal and business errands during his or her spare time. I’m a her. Please continue. I’m intrigued by your ambiguity. I need your service because I am constantly traveling abroad on business. I own an Art Gallery that specializes in international art.

Oh right. I remember now. Back before I decided to throw in the towel and become an audio engineer, I was actively pursuing an entry-level career in the international art trade. It's so great how you did all this research on me before reaching out. I can see that you really care, and are totally legitimate. 

Your Responsibilities are. Oh hell, you lost me. 

1. Receive my mail and Drop them off at the post office or shipping center. Take your mail, and then send it back to you. The post office feedback loop. Got it. 
2. Pay my bills on my behalf and sit for delivery at home. Can I pay MY bills on your behalf as well? 
3. Pick up my items at your nearby post office at your convenience. Your items? Are we talking about international art, or maybe balloons of heroin? Either way is cool, I just like to know.
4. When you get my mail or package, you would mail all items to where I want them shipped. .All expenses and shipping charges will be covered by me. That’s a relief. I was worried I was going to have to pay for all this international shipping. Because you’re abroad, and I will apparently be living at the post office. Are you sure this isn't just a position FOR the post office?

The contents of the packages are mostly art materials and paintings. In addition, there will be clothing I need for business and personal letters. No heavy packages are ever delivered! What kind of “art” are we dealing with? Do I get to read the personal letters first? Even if you say no, I think I probably will anyway. Are they love letters? Are you running some kind of "Letters to Juilet" ring here? I saw that movie, it wasn't very good. 

I am currently away on business in China. If you decide to accept the position, please read the employment requirements listed below. I was with you until you said China. I have a personal issue with the Chinese. (Author's note: this is a joke. I love the Chinese. Big fan. Seriously.)


A. You are an honest and trustworthy citizen.  I was with you until “honest.” Everything after that just doesn’t sound like me.

B. You will be required to work between 15 and 20hrs a month. A MONTH? That is just so much post office and sitting around. 

C You need to be able to check your EMAIL 3 to 5 times daily. That is too much commitment to having my phone with me at all times. Also, I only have e-mail. I don’t know what EMAIL is. It sounds aggressive. 

THE PAY IS $1000 WEEKLY and you are entitle to a brand new car after 1month if you are hardworking and honest with me, WHICH IS NOT A BAD OFFER.

Okay, in the “list of requirements,” hardworking was not mentioned. I feel this is an unfair addition to you already overwhelming technical qualifications. That being said, I think we should discuss how $1000/weekly breaks down when I am required to do NO MORE than 20 hours of a work a month. Technically, that is 4 hours a week. You are telling me that you need this mail checked SO BADLY that you are willing to pay $250 an hour? What exactly do you mean by “international art?” I can only assume you mean black market internal organs.

I do like cars, though. What do you need from me to get this going?

In closing, I have a couple of questions for you.

First, If I were to mail you money to do my shopping plus an upfront payment for your service, where would you want it mailed to? Preferably my Gringotts vault, because it is the safest, securest place in all the land. 

Second, how would you like for your name appear on the money or check? In all caps, underlined twice, and no less than three crying emoticons bookending it.

Maybe you can provide me with the following details below

Name: E. “Snootypants” Swifty-Lavigne Thibeaux (III)

Address: Third bunk from the left, Slytherin House, The Dungeon

City: Hogwarts

State: Magical Mayhem

Zip: ...pity do dah?

CELL OR PHONE: Cell number 294; Phone numberI’M A WITCH I DON’T HAVE A PHONE.
Occupation: I would like one, yes.

What is your bank Name: Gringotts. Please see my accountant, Griphook, for further instructions. Do not anger the dragon.

Also, Robb Stark is King of the North. I’m pretty sure my bank is in his territory. I’d check with him, too.