a letter.

To a boy who knew me once:

I want you to know that I’m doing just fine. Better than fine, because for the first time in what feels like my whole life, I can honestly say that “I’m good.” I say that now. When the clerk at the gas station says “How are you today?” I answer, “I’m doing great.” Remember how I used to just shrug? I don’t do that anymore. I smile when I speak, and my whole body feels lighter. I wanted you to know that.

I don’t want you to think of me as you once loved me. When you picture me in your head, I want you to see me as I am now, as I am happiest. This is not to erase the life we had together; this is to live in the present. I will carry with me, in the most beloved part of my soul, our memories. The echo of my name on your lips will always be as a cool, autumn bay breeze around me. Nighttime walks, the smile you wore as you looked to me, thinking of how wonderful and weird I was. I do not wish those thoughts away, just as I do not forget the lessons we learned together. How we tried to weld our worlds together; the pain of realizing that some pieces just didn’t fit.

But think of me like this. With my black-rimmed reading glasses and my silver laptop splayed across my legs, with my hair pulled back in pigtails; I never wore it like that when I knew you. Knee-high socks and short-shorts, I never had the courage to wear those before, but it’s summer here, and it’s too hot for self-consciousness. I drink green tea now; I have a tall glass resting on a coaster to my left as I write this letter to you. I want you to see me like this. In my shorts and tee-shirt, with my black and white striped socks and my new smile.

I don’t know how to think of you anymore; I believe that you are happy now. Are you the same kind of happy as you once were with me? Is your smile less crooked now that we are apart? Part of me is sad to think that, but the most of me will be happy to know that you are happy again. What does your music sound like now? I always thought it changed along with your life; that it sounded different when we knew each other than before, and now after. I hope it’s still honest. I hope it’s still freeing. I want that for you.

I see the world around me in greens and browns, deep reds and soft oranges. Remember how much black I used to see? That’s different now. I feel a lifetime different than when we shared time. Yet, in the quietest moments, I can still hear you breathing, and I am still there, thinking myself the luckiest girl. Thank you for knowing me, for sharing that space, those hours. I hope to know you in your present; I hope to think of you as you are, for as long as I can.

Signed,

a girl who once knew you.